I remember my last blog post, a few months ago, in Japan...
Wanting to post once a week proved to be as laudable as it was improbable.
First, let me tell you that living in Japan while "working" full-time (i use the quotes because it was an unpaid internship and so stretches what I usually mean by work) is very different than living in Japan and actually having money to do stuff.
I guess living anywhere in the world without money to do and see stuff is pretty much the same. just with a different backdrop, in this case, Tokyo, living in my little guesthouse hovel, and having to go work in Roppongi, one of the most rich and trendy places in Tokyo.
I made friends, and had some adventures, after a fashion, but the main part of it, was "working" full-time, and coming back to my little hole in the wall to shower in shared showers and sleep in my little cocoon of private space comprised of my bed, mini-fridge, a shelf and about 5 square feet of moving room.
The communal spaces and interactions there with the other tenants was great, but it never felt like I was home. I dont need much, but apparently i needed more than what I had. I think I set my minimum specs at 4 real walls (not just the 2-inch plaster separating the rooms) and a real door (not the flimsy 1-inch thick sliding door that, even when closed, left a good inch-wide crack on the top right corner because the house had presumably settled since its construction).
Also possibly a desk. I do like desks.
While I love not having a home and being free as a falling leaf in a windy autumn, having to "work" full-time without a place to go back to was a stress.
The fact that one week in the project i was supposed to be working on fell through and I ended up doing other (somewhat less interesting) work that would in all probability be slashed, entirely or partly, after my internship ended, didn't help.
So I was in a downer for most of my internship, and in the months since I came back.
There were moments of good in it all; some people I met, some events I went to, old friends, new friends.
I noticed as I get older i get less and less highs and more and more downs.
And its not even the dramatic suicidal tear-filled existential downs.
It's just me, but lacking the will to do anything but the normal tasks and motions of life whilst spiraling down and becoming more and more irrational, confrontational, resenting, condescending and, ironically perhaps, vulnerable.
The worst part is that since it is a gradual and constant thing, no one picks up on it, and I end up just alienating myself because no one likes to be with an ass.
Being alienated just makes me more resentful and it all continues from there.
I hear people say they are "in a dark place", but for me its more like a grey place. Its just grey because it is just devoid of motivation. No motivation to do anything, be it to end it, to change, or to stop...
So i just end up being pulled by the inertia of my daily life, soldiering on, just because I lack the motivation to change direction.
Small daily mishaps get to me, and I keep thinking about them, but trying to go back and explain or fix the misunderstanding usually just makes them worse.
People do not understand and ask my why "I choose" to be bothered/offended by this or that.
As if one could choose what hurts or bothers them or not like one could choose to wear a hat, or leave it at home. And maybe people who aren't depressed can do that, good for them.
I guess people who have strong motivations and a drive can fundamentally not understand how it is to be without one.
They will also say "instead of talking about it, why don't you do something about it" when the whole crux of the problem is the lack of ability/drive/strength to affect said changes.
As with many things, it seems I am also somewhat "on the fence" in this; its not bad enough to be life-shattering or warrant an intervention, but it is bad enough that it has eroded friendships and quality of life.
Now I have been back for 3 months, and have basically lived as a hermit, working on my masters thesis and playing video games. My friends know I am back, but I have yet to meet with any of them since my return. I guess having a life keeps you busy. I hope i can hit the proverbial road again soon. Staying still have never been good for me.
18.1.15
Back in Japan - The big apple
So my Master's degree internship started on the 6th of January in Tokyo.
Since its an unpaid internship, and in Tokyo, where the cost of life is rather expensive, I have had to cut corners, but with the help of some student (and personal) loans and grants and help from family members, I will be able to do this internship and be able to have some extra leeway for quality-of-life things.
Most accommodations in Tokyo are very expensive except if you are willing to stay in a dorm.
Having to work from 9-5, with suit and tie, for 4 months, I knew i wouldn't be able to endure living in a dorm, where there can be lots of coming-and-going because people's schedule vary allot and there is no privacy. I was able to find a decent-looking place with private rooms (but shared kitchen, toilets and living room) for about 450$ per month, which is very cheap in Tokyo (a 1-room apartment can go for 800-1500$ depending on where it is situated, guest houses are somewhat cheaper, but non-dorm ones seem to have an average price of 600-700$).
To avoid the big new year holidays (were everything is closed and public transport is packed) I decided to arrive early, on the 28th, and stay with my friend in Takasaki a few days, before moving into my guest house.
The plane trip was long and boring, as usual when you are not first class. Cramped seats, etc. One particularly loud Quebec couple in their late forties were behind me in the plane ride were very loud and bickering and the woman had this horrible cough. You know.. You can hear when someone puts their hand in front of their mouth, or tries to cough with their mouth closed, but not this lady. No, she was going at it open mouthed and i could almost feel the phlegm on the back of my neck. some people, I swear... But this was on the 2 hour flight before my international connection, so i let it go.
After some 20-odd hours (and about 40 hours without sleep since i cant sleep on planes and I pretty much didn't sleep before departure since the plane war really early in the morning) I finally made it to Takasaki, and passed out on my friend's futon.
I planned on getting down to Tokyo from Takasaki and doing something with friends on new years eve, but i ended up getting sick just after arriving, so that got cancelled. In all evidence I got something on the plane... Anyways besides that, the next few days were pretty relaxed.
Me and my Jeremy ended up watching game of Thrones and playing video games for a few days, as well as going to the restaurant together with his girlfriend. What started out just as fatigue and a sore throat eventually worsened, and I got a fever, but most clinics were closed (Because its the holidays, and Japan is like that). The few clinics that stayed open charged extra, so i would have had to pay roughly 100$ to get looked at. I decided to bite the bullet and move into my room at the guest house and try and tough it out.
I toughed it out with various degrees of success, getting better one day, then having very high fever the next... Eventually, on the 5th, when all the businesses opened up again, I decided to go out to the ward office to register my place of residence and enter the public health insurance scheme. Its available for all Japanese, and foreigners having a visa of 4 months or over. since my travel insurance only covers emergencies, this complemented it well enough.
The efficiency of the Japanese bureaucrats will never cease to amaze me. It took about 1 hour to register my residence and get into the health program, 1 hour... Of which 45m were waiting in line because there were many people. Now that's efficient. Anyways, armed with my new health insurance card that covers 70% of all costs, I went to a clinic, got antibiotics and a sleuth of various other medicine, and started getting better.
Work eventually started and I got real busy. I got time to buy a cheap second hand laptop and camera. and various things needed for living and cooking, but not much else.
The first week at work was mostly reading up on various diplomatic reports, interviews with Quebec actors in japan, Quebec strategies in Asia, etc.
On the weekend, I headed out with Jeremy and his girlfriend. We went to Akihabara, the Geek District, and I got to drool over the newest motherboards and video cards, wishing I had more money to buy them, was in Japan long enough for a desktop to be worth it, and actually had enough living space to have a desktop. My room is about 2m x 4m. The bed takes about half the room, and I have to hang my clothes on a bar at the head of my bed.. Its pretty cramped.. Anyways, we also ate some "poutine" at a "canadian" restaurant. i use quotes because the fried were obviously japanese-style, the cheese was not cheese curds, but normal grated cheese, and the gravy was.. Actually the gravy was OK. It was good, but it just made me want to eat real poutine :(
We were also supposed to go to a Montreal-style bagel place, but it was closed on Sunday.
On the second week at work, things started getting a bit more real, I got to create a calendar of think-tank events in Japan, went to an all-day conference at the United Nations University and had to write a synopsis on it (all events were in Japanese, and the simultaneous translation was somewhat hard to understand), and I represented Quebec at a prize ceremony for Japanese interested in Canada on Saturday, so my weekend got rather small.
Every day, I also get to experience rush-hour train rides. The good thing, is that you cant fall down since everyone is jammed into place by the sea of bodies. The bad part.. is everything else. About 1 in 3 people are sick, either coughing or sniffling bad and you get to have 3-4 people breathing on your neck and face for the whole 30m train ride to and from work.
Happy Times.
The region seems pretty hilly, but I hope to be able to bike to work once it gets a bit warmer.
I also feel a bit like an impostor, since I live in a really old and cheap place, with a tiny room that doesn't even have a closet, yet every day I get to put on a suit and go to work in one of the most expensive districts of Tokyo, in a huge 40-story building with an incredible view. I am straddling 2 different worlds.
Anyhow, I hope to be able to update the blog once every week, as time permits.
I would really like to be able to go to Hokkaido and visit my old town and the schools where I used to teach. the round trip is only around 200$, but i will wait and see how finances go.
Since its an unpaid internship, and in Tokyo, where the cost of life is rather expensive, I have had to cut corners, but with the help of some student (and personal) loans and grants and help from family members, I will be able to do this internship and be able to have some extra leeway for quality-of-life things.
Most accommodations in Tokyo are very expensive except if you are willing to stay in a dorm.
Having to work from 9-5, with suit and tie, for 4 months, I knew i wouldn't be able to endure living in a dorm, where there can be lots of coming-and-going because people's schedule vary allot and there is no privacy. I was able to find a decent-looking place with private rooms (but shared kitchen, toilets and living room) for about 450$ per month, which is very cheap in Tokyo (a 1-room apartment can go for 800-1500$ depending on where it is situated, guest houses are somewhat cheaper, but non-dorm ones seem to have an average price of 600-700$).
To avoid the big new year holidays (were everything is closed and public transport is packed) I decided to arrive early, on the 28th, and stay with my friend in Takasaki a few days, before moving into my guest house.
The plane trip was long and boring, as usual when you are not first class. Cramped seats, etc. One particularly loud Quebec couple in their late forties were behind me in the plane ride were very loud and bickering and the woman had this horrible cough. You know.. You can hear when someone puts their hand in front of their mouth, or tries to cough with their mouth closed, but not this lady. No, she was going at it open mouthed and i could almost feel the phlegm on the back of my neck. some people, I swear... But this was on the 2 hour flight before my international connection, so i let it go.
After some 20-odd hours (and about 40 hours without sleep since i cant sleep on planes and I pretty much didn't sleep before departure since the plane war really early in the morning) I finally made it to Takasaki, and passed out on my friend's futon.
I planned on getting down to Tokyo from Takasaki and doing something with friends on new years eve, but i ended up getting sick just after arriving, so that got cancelled. In all evidence I got something on the plane... Anyways besides that, the next few days were pretty relaxed.
Me and my Jeremy ended up watching game of Thrones and playing video games for a few days, as well as going to the restaurant together with his girlfriend. What started out just as fatigue and a sore throat eventually worsened, and I got a fever, but most clinics were closed (Because its the holidays, and Japan is like that). The few clinics that stayed open charged extra, so i would have had to pay roughly 100$ to get looked at. I decided to bite the bullet and move into my room at the guest house and try and tough it out.
I toughed it out with various degrees of success, getting better one day, then having very high fever the next... Eventually, on the 5th, when all the businesses opened up again, I decided to go out to the ward office to register my place of residence and enter the public health insurance scheme. Its available for all Japanese, and foreigners having a visa of 4 months or over. since my travel insurance only covers emergencies, this complemented it well enough.
The efficiency of the Japanese bureaucrats will never cease to amaze me. It took about 1 hour to register my residence and get into the health program, 1 hour... Of which 45m were waiting in line because there were many people. Now that's efficient. Anyways, armed with my new health insurance card that covers 70% of all costs, I went to a clinic, got antibiotics and a sleuth of various other medicine, and started getting better.
Work eventually started and I got real busy. I got time to buy a cheap second hand laptop and camera. and various things needed for living and cooking, but not much else.
The first week at work was mostly reading up on various diplomatic reports, interviews with Quebec actors in japan, Quebec strategies in Asia, etc.
On the weekend, I headed out with Jeremy and his girlfriend. We went to Akihabara, the Geek District, and I got to drool over the newest motherboards and video cards, wishing I had more money to buy them, was in Japan long enough for a desktop to be worth it, and actually had enough living space to have a desktop. My room is about 2m x 4m. The bed takes about half the room, and I have to hang my clothes on a bar at the head of my bed.. Its pretty cramped.. Anyways, we also ate some "poutine" at a "canadian" restaurant. i use quotes because the fried were obviously japanese-style, the cheese was not cheese curds, but normal grated cheese, and the gravy was.. Actually the gravy was OK. It was good, but it just made me want to eat real poutine :(
We were also supposed to go to a Montreal-style bagel place, but it was closed on Sunday.
On the second week at work, things started getting a bit more real, I got to create a calendar of think-tank events in Japan, went to an all-day conference at the United Nations University and had to write a synopsis on it (all events were in Japanese, and the simultaneous translation was somewhat hard to understand), and I represented Quebec at a prize ceremony for Japanese interested in Canada on Saturday, so my weekend got rather small.
Every day, I also get to experience rush-hour train rides. The good thing, is that you cant fall down since everyone is jammed into place by the sea of bodies. The bad part.. is everything else. About 1 in 3 people are sick, either coughing or sniffling bad and you get to have 3-4 people breathing on your neck and face for the whole 30m train ride to and from work.
Happy Times.
The region seems pretty hilly, but I hope to be able to bike to work once it gets a bit warmer.
I also feel a bit like an impostor, since I live in a really old and cheap place, with a tiny room that doesn't even have a closet, yet every day I get to put on a suit and go to work in one of the most expensive districts of Tokyo, in a huge 40-story building with an incredible view. I am straddling 2 different worlds.
Anyhow, I hope to be able to update the blog once every week, as time permits.
I would really like to be able to go to Hokkaido and visit my old town and the schools where I used to teach. the round trip is only around 200$, but i will wait and see how finances go.
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