I remember my last blog post, a few months ago, in Japan...
Wanting to post once a week proved to be as laudable as it was improbable.
First, let me tell you that living in Japan while "working" full-time (i use the quotes because it was an unpaid internship and so stretches what I usually mean by work) is very different than living in Japan and actually having money to do stuff.
I guess living anywhere in the world without money to do and see stuff is pretty much the same. just with a different backdrop, in this case, Tokyo, living in my little guesthouse hovel, and having to go work in Roppongi, one of the most rich and trendy places in Tokyo.
I made friends, and had some adventures, after a fashion, but the main part of it, was "working" full-time, and coming back to my little hole in the wall to shower in shared showers and sleep in my little cocoon of private space comprised of my bed, mini-fridge, a shelf and about 5 square feet of moving room.
The communal spaces and interactions there with the other tenants was great, but it never felt like I was home. I dont need much, but apparently i needed more than what I had. I think I set my minimum specs at 4 real walls (not just the 2-inch plaster separating the rooms) and a real door (not the flimsy 1-inch thick sliding door that, even when closed, left a good inch-wide crack on the top right corner because the house had presumably settled since its construction).
Also possibly a desk. I do like desks.
While I love not having a home and being free as a falling leaf in a windy autumn, having to "work" full-time without a place to go back to was a stress.
The fact that one week in the project i was supposed to be working on fell through and I ended up doing other (somewhat less interesting) work that would in all probability be slashed, entirely or partly, after my internship ended, didn't help.
So I was in a downer for most of my internship, and in the months since I came back.
There were moments of good in it all; some people I met, some events I went to, old friends, new friends.
I noticed as I get older i get less and less highs and more and more downs.
And its not even the dramatic suicidal tear-filled existential downs.
It's just me, but lacking the will to do anything but the normal tasks and motions of life whilst spiraling down and becoming more and more irrational, confrontational, resenting, condescending and, ironically perhaps, vulnerable.
The worst part is that since it is a gradual and constant thing, no one picks up on it, and I end up just alienating myself because no one likes to be with an ass.
Being alienated just makes me more resentful and it all continues from there.
I hear people say they are "in a dark place", but for me its more like a grey place. Its just grey because it is just devoid of motivation. No motivation to do anything, be it to end it, to change, or to stop...
So i just end up being pulled by the inertia of my daily life, soldiering on, just because I lack the motivation to change direction.
Small daily mishaps get to me, and I keep thinking about them, but trying to go back and explain or fix the misunderstanding usually just makes them worse.
People do not understand and ask my why "I choose" to be bothered/offended by this or that.
As if one could choose what hurts or bothers them or not like one could choose to wear a hat, or leave it at home. And maybe people who aren't depressed can do that, good for them.
I guess people who have strong motivations and a drive can fundamentally not understand how it is to be without one.
They will also say "instead of talking about it, why don't you do something about it" when the whole crux of the problem is the lack of ability/drive/strength to affect said changes.
As with many things, it seems I am also somewhat "on the fence" in this; its not bad enough to be life-shattering or warrant an intervention, but it is bad enough that it has eroded friendships and quality of life.
Now I have been back for 3 months, and have basically lived as a hermit, working on my masters thesis and playing video games. My friends know I am back, but I have yet to meet with any of them since my return. I guess having a life keeps you busy. I hope i can hit the proverbial road again soon. Staying still have never been good for me.
